The Hannuka Spider, (Revised version, origionally written by Blue Spider Monkey, my fellow wiccan priestess and sister.)
One day while wlaking down the street I say a peculiar and funny sight. There was a spider tending to his lawn which existed in a shoe box (specifically designed for size 7 feet, Nikes, color Navy). Being in a particularly festive mood I decided that it would be a peachy keen idea to wish him a Merry Christmas.
"Hello little spider I am here to wish you the merriest christmas any little spider could have."
To this the spider replied, "Thank you but I am Jewish and have already celebrated my cultural holiday of Hannuka. In respect to your religion I would like to extend a Merry Christmas to you.
I thanked the little spider in this way "Thank you spider but I myself am actually Wiccan and I am sorry for having automatically assumed that you were a Christian, I would not like anyone to do such to me. I respect your religion and any other positive religion that there is on this planet so happy hannuka to you little spider."
The spider and I parted ways after he wished me a merry Yule and ever since I have stuck with the simple phrase, "Happy Holidays". Though I have sadly to say been shot down by several aetheists this is usually a well accepted form of greating. Sally the Squirell sure likess it.
Well, here we go, be prepared for my idea of absolute weirdness.
First let me tell you about teh purple rubber chickens. You heard me right, purple, rubber, chickens. They stalk people. I'm serious, they do. they follow you around and they talk to you, it's "buckaw Now you know the meaning of fear" those are the words I most often hear. When alone at night I lay in my bed afraid that they will come for me. If they did, I would be forced to run for my life, even though I have a habit of sleeping a la nude. I run. I run as fast as I can, and they follow. I never escape. The world seem to be only made for running. I get arrested but the police think I'm crazy. THe chickens follow into the car I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. They place me in a padded room, and I can only talk to the other people. The men in the white coats tell me there are no more purple rubber chickens chasing me, but they are so wrong! One of the other people hear told me about something, and this is next area is just what he said.
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"When I was young, there was a girl who lived down the street named Susanne. I used to go out with her all the time, she had hair so long that she tripped over it often. No one bleived me that Sue and I were going out. Matter of a fact, no one else had ever seen her. Even when we went on dates the guys would just ignore her. It wasn't right I tell you! One day me and Susanne went to the Malt shop. Susanne said she wasn't thirsty but I got her a chocolate shake anyways. Usually we didn't talk much on dates but this time we. "Susanne I think you should get a hair cut you look like you've never gone to get one before."
"I Haven't no matter where I go people won't serve me. They just ignore me."
"I don't, I think that you're great susanne. But dont you think that you should at least take your pet cow out of the shop? People are starting to stare."
They were staring at us. I could feel their eyes, and I was starting to get very angry.
"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT" I shouted, I went into a fit of rage.
"DON'T YOU STARE AT SUSANNE JUST CUZ SHE'S WEARING A TU TU AND BROUGHT IN HER PET COW!"
Then I was brought here, and Susanne comes to visit me every Friday." You know, during all the visiting hours I've never actually seen his girlfriend Susanne, but I belive him, because no one else sees the chickens either.
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There are aliens on miami beach, they are fat and wear speedos, they say they are humans, but I KNOW that is not the truth. I KNOW that they are ALIENS. No human could possibly be that disgusting, and most of them smell inhuman as well. What human would allow themselves to look and smell that terrible. THese are obviously creatures trying desperately to fit in with Earth Culture unsuccessfully.
Then there are other aliens on Miami Beach. These are the ones that have caused all the deaths and accidents on the beach. They walk around and do things. Only I see them, and knwo how to avoid them. All you have to do is carry a can of cheese whiz.
MY favorite food
Tostitos are delicious, I wish that I could only eat them for every meal. What other salty chip like substance is so perfect for the consumption of Tostitos Brand Salsa. Ahh the wonder food, high in salt low in nutrition. THis food should be worshiped as a god. All countries should HAIL THE TOSTITOS. As I do. I have built a tostito altar, I burn candles and pray to the tostitos god. THIS is the religion of peace and love. I wish the world could understand it.
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